Pick up a bat if you see it

Have a quick game if you feel it

Take on the world if you dare it

If the ball comes your way then just ping it

 

If you’re feeling anxious and alienated just ping it

If you’re saddened by the state of the world just swing it

If you feel your youth slipping away then just wing it

Because Ping England’s in town so just sing and be in it.

 

Ping at the park and Ping at the school

Ping in the office – up to 11 as a rule

Ping on your way home with your bat as your tool

Play with your mates or any old fool.

 

You can be thinking about Sartre while you’re pinging it

You can debate the merits of Marx while you’re swinging it

You can be extolling the finer points of feminism while you’re ponging it

And you can explore the dialectics of the universe while you’re dinging it.

 

In Birmingham and Bristol you can bish bash it

You can take in the sea air in Brighton while you ding dash it

In the post-industrial heartlands of northern England you can mish mash it

And in the wheeling-dealing City of London you can crisp crash it

 

You can plan the rest of your life while you’re pinging it

You can rue your missed chances and opportunities while you’re swinging it

You can curse the world and its cruelties while you’re dinging it

And you can marvel at the absurdity of it all while you’re winging it

While you’re thinking of marriage you can block it

While you’re having adulterous thoughts you can plock it

While you’re contemplating divorce you can flip flop it

But as for the pleasures of ping - you can’t stop it

 

Ping England won’t cost you a penny or cent

It feels so damn enjoyable it feels heaven sent

It’s so totally absorbing the day will just went

And if you’re feeling pent up you can ping it and vent.

 

Have your breakfast in the morning and then chow chop it

Eat your lunch at midday then pow pop it

Take an afternoon nap then wow wop it

And after your evening meal just high hop it.

 

If you’re tortured by your dreams then ching chang it

If you’re plagued by insomnia then low wang it

If you’re wracked by guilt and remorse then cling clang it

And if you’re just fed up with life then bing bang it

 

If you’re a Europhobe Brexiteer then zing zang it

If you’re Europhile remainer then pong pang it

If you’re an atheist unbeliever then ker-chang it

And if you’re just out for a laugh then just wide wang it

 

If you’re travelling overseas don’t forget to wiff waff it

If you’re migrating to a safe-haven don’t forget to quif quaf it

If you’re just dreaming of better days you can always chif chaf it

But if you’re contemplating holy Jihad you can bloody well zif-zaf it

 

 

You can always listen to Bobby Dylan while you ping it

You might like to listen to Amy Weinhouse while you swing it

Perhaps you might care for a touch of Cosi Fan Tutti while you ding it

Or you could replay your old Clash records while you zing it.

 

 

You can dispense with your carefully proscribed medication while you’re swanking it

You can put on hold all those illegal substances while you’re planking it

You can lay off the booze and amphetamines while you’re tanking it

Because you’ll get an unbelievable high while you’re spanking it.

 

Whatever your political persuasion you can pong ping it

Whatever your religious affiliation you can clong cling it

Whatever your sexual orientation just dong ding it

And whatever your physical adaptation you can most definitely enjoy it.

 

 You’ll feel like the queen of the castle when you ping it

You’ll feel like a master of the universe when you swing it

You’ll feel better than the bloke down the road when you zing it

Because you’ll have a philosophy for life when you ping pong it.

 

 There’ll be no bureaucracy to frustrate you while you’re ping pinging it

There’ll be no plutocracy to oppress you while you’re top spinning it

There’ll be no autocrat to lord it over you while you’re chip chopping it

And there’ll be no tax inspector to harass you while you’re tip tapping it.

 

 You can seek the Bhudda or the holy prophets while you’re swish swoshing it

You can study Richard Dawkins or Stephen Hawking while you’re criss crossing it

You can unravel the mysteries of quantum physics while you’re flip flopping it

And you can seek solace in a quiet walk after a day of whip whacking it.

 

Ping is like poetry, you have to know how to compose it

Ping is like driving, but you have to know how to steer it

Ping is like maths, you have to add and subtract it

Ping is like life, you have to know how to survive it

 

Ping is for pleasure so rejoice and take part in it

It’s good for the soul if you have your whole heart in it.

You can skip, hop or jump - while you’re playing you can dance to it

It’s your philosophy for life so you better look after it.

 

End JPK Copyright 28/3/17